Truth be told, I’ve had to really fight being discouraged over the last year or two. My mind has been clouded with confusion as angry voices screamed through the media I chose to consume. The focus and purpose of the noise has varied based on what the current crisis was but I often found myself caught up mentally and emotionally in the rising and falling of a roller coaster-like rhythm in my days…and I hated it.
When I was newly married, I lost my father to cancer and then immediately fought the ugly battle of infertility and lost (or so I thought at the time.). I was so consumed by the constant rising and falling of my own circumstances that I felt utterly exhausted and out of control. I can remember one night after a failed adoption attempt ripped my heart to shreds, I stayed awake most of the night pacing in my den. I was desperate. I knew that despair would absolutely consume me if something did not change. I remember reading my Bible and pacing the floor praying out loud in desperation to my Lord: “I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t be on this roller coaster where my heart rises and falls with circumstances for the rest of my life when there is so much I cannot control. I’m desperate to find my joy in Christ alone, Lord. I understand that happiness is based on circumstances and those will always change, but my joy can be set in the One who is the same yesterday, today, and forever and that is what I need to be able to breathe, to be able to survive. I don’t want my heart captive to wanting anything or anyone more than Christ.” That night I probably looked a lot like Jacob wrestling with the Lord. (Genesis 32) I knew that I needed my Father to change my fickle heart and to be completely consumed by and content with Christ alone.
I can honestly say I was never the same after that long night. The twins we tried to adopt were gone, my father was still separated by death from me, my womb was still empty, but I was forever changed. The Lord allowed me the grace to cling to him despite my circumstances and He changed me forever.
Over 25 years later, my circumstance are vastly different. I have six children now and the things that break my heart and cause anxiety to rise within me are not the same issues I dealt with all those years ago. Today, so much of what concerns me (and attempts to consume me) are global or national issues, issues of health decisions, concerns over the future my children may have to navigate, etc. I’ve been sorely tempted to despair.
“But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.” Psalm 71:14
Each person has to choose for himself from where his hope will come. Will it be based on leaders in our world, promising economics, ‘guaranteed’ health?
As for me, “I lift up my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from: My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber….” (Psalm 121)
My God sees. He knows. He made it all. He holds it all together in His hands. He never sleeps. He will not let my foot slip as I look to him through eyes of faith.
It is very tempting to get caught up in believing that there is a particular leader or a particular answer to a health crisis that will be the end of all of our problems. That is utter foolishness.
“Surely falsehood comes from the hills, commotion from the mountains, but the salvation of Israel is only from the Lord our God.” (Jeremiah 3:23)
Lord, open my eyes to the truth that I am surrounded by falsehood and commotion that is not of you. Convict my heart when I am turning the eyes of my heart to look to anything or anyone for hope apart from you. I recognize that I’ve been tempted to look to other things for security, joy, and hope and I’m left empty, confused, and frustrated every time. Lord, my salvation is only from the Lord my God. I’m thankful that my eternal destiny is secure because of what Christ did for me on the cross. I’m also incredibly grateful that you didn’t leave me here to navigate this side of eternity without help or hope. You are my salvation in every crisis I will face. You will order my steps and guide my mind and heart as I look to you to clear the falsehood and commotion from my mind. I lift up my eyes to you alone, Lord. You are WORTHY!
“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” (Psalm 20:7).
Lord help me not to put my trust in ANYTHING or ANYONE but You!